I have always loved theatre. I was in my first high school play in the 7th grade. Before that, I was the world’s shyest person. I wouldn’t even get up to sharpen my pencil if the lead broke. But, theatre changed my life. Cheesy stuff, huh?
Much like Calvin, I often find myself searching for songs that should be playing in the background of my life. When I found out I was pregnant with Jamie, I unconsciously began searching for the song. The one that would put into words how I felt. The one that I could play over, and over, and over, and over.
Okay, that might be a lie. I might not have been looking for the song. But I did find it.
Jamie’s Baby Song:
“Glad You Came.” The Wanted
The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I’m glad you came
The rest of the song has nothing to do with Jamie, and, frankly, gets weird when trying to apply it to the upcoming birth of your child. Still, every time the song came on, I cranked up the radio and sang LOUD, ignoring the odd bits and focusing on those few minutes of absolute perfection. I may have been terrified, I may have been insecure, but I was so, so glad.
Not too long ago, I redecorated the basement, turning part of the main room into a classroom for Jamie. I created a poster with the lyrics to his baby song to hang in the room. I love seeing those words, especially since the song has long since fallen out of favor on the radio.
It is difficult to admit, but life with Jamie can be so hard. I say it is hard to admit because, somehow, I feel that is my fault. Somehow, I feel that I should have been able to make it easy. That somewhere I did something wrong, and now we all have to try to make up for it. It is also hard, because I never want people to think that Jamie is a burden, that he was a mistake.
The last few weeks have been very rough weeks. I was sharing my struggles with a friend, and the guilt came back. I immediately felt like I needed to apologize for being upset, for admitting it was hard.
“It’s usually okay,” I told her. “Better than okay! I love these boys, and would never trade them.”
“Loving people and it being hard are never mutually exclusive,” she replied. “I actually think loving them is what makes it so hard. Because if you didn’t love them, then it wouldn’t matter, huh? You wouldn’t care. So, although your loyalty and love are immeasurable, you can once in a while tap into a measurement of how hard it is..” (Do I have smart friends or what?)
Having a special needs child can be hard. Taking care of them can be hard. Understanding everything can be hard. But loving them can be easy. No matter what, I stand by Jamie’s Baby Song. The way I see it, I got the better end of the deal. I have him. He gets it. I am the one who is always confused. I always thought my job as a mom was to teach my children. Jamie reminds me everyday that I still have so much to learn. My biggest hope is that I won’t let him down.
Thanks for loving me, Jamie. Thanks for teaching me. I am so glad you came.